Emotional Kung Fu: The Block

So there is this new "theory" about Fibromyalgia making the rounds that says that the reason people with Fibromyalgia complain about pain so much is that they are just super-sensitive to pain, and so they are at the doctors all the time complaining about pain that non-fibro people just deal with uncomplainingly. Even the New York Times is guilty of publishing an article in their health column promoting this message. While this theory may have originated in a highly scientific study of pain receptors becoming over-activated by over-stimulation, by the time it gets watered-down to the jerk on the street, it goes like this: if you have FMS pain, you're just an oversensitive complainer.

Now, this theory is insane. There is no correlation between over-sensitivity to pain and FMS. I personally have a very high pain tolerance. Before I was diagnosed with FMS, doctors were always exclaiming to me that they were shocked by my high pain tolerance, that I refused pain medicine where others begged for it, that I could tolerate all kinds of procedures without flinching. I still hear that from doctors, rolfers, shiatsu practitioners.

It took me years to be diagnosed with FMS because I didn't complain about pain. I didn't even consider the way my body felt every day to be worth mentioning.

This is also true of many female friends I have with FMS and other pain-related illnesses.

On the other hand, there are people with FMS who are the opposite, who were born with very sensitive bodies and experience pain intensely. Given how painful FMS feels to me, I can only image the hell on earth it is for someone who is hypersensitive. If you are one of these hyper-sensitive people, then my heart goes out to you, and please use the example of "your friend, Miss Chronically Fabulous, who has a high pain tolerance" to refute any suggestion that you are overreacting to FMS pain.

Those of us 'tough girls/guys' with chronic pain conditions may have certain things in common.

First off, some of us were born with less sensitive nervous systems (read Dr. Elaine Aron's "The Highly Sensitive Person" for a great non-medical description of the difference in nervous system response from birth.) That gave us a genetic advantage to dealing with pain (though as Dr. Aron points out, there are other genetic advantages to being sensitive).

Second, a lot of us grew up in families that prized toughness and did not pay any attention to complaints about pain. Friends have described this in various ways: "I grew up on a farm," "My family is hard-drinking Irish", "I was the only girl in a family of boys" -- regardless of the outer conditions, from an early age we were taught to ignore aches and pains and injury. We might have been ridiculed for "whining" or rewarded for gritting out teeth and playing through the pain. I'm not saying this way of child-rearing was a good or bad thing, just that from an early age the response we got from our immediate role models shaped how we internalized pain signals, and we learned to keep our mouths shut. It became an automatic response that we didn't even realize was going on.

Third, some of us spent years in physical training which further taught us to ignore pain. We enlisted in the military, went through basic training and served in difficult conditions. We were ballet dancers (forget the tutu - in terms of pain and injury, ballet is on a par with rugby.) In my case, I spent years studying martial arts, desensitizing my body to pain.

So when we tough types got FMS, we didn't report the pain. We kept our mouths shut for years. We were embarrassed to admit that we were unable to overcome the pain on our own. We still under-report our pain levels because we don't want to be 'wimps.'

So, when WE say FMS hurts, then dammit it IT HURTS!!!!!

Of course, it takes way too long to explain all of this to the person who is standing before you, accusing you of just being too sensitive (while they, of course, are implying that they are not so sensitive). So it's time for the Emotional Kung Fu move of the day: The Block.

Sometimes the quickest response to an attack is a simple direct block. More effective than flailing away and taking hits. Throw a strong block in the way of the attacker, and they may very well retreat, confused. This gives you an opportunity to let them know that you are not going to let them continue to attack you, to set some boundaries, or to walk away.

If the "attacker" says something along the lines of, "You know, the rest of us have aches and pains too, we just keep going," then you can block like this: Raise your eyebrows, roll your eyes, or just smile kindly and knowingly to show how you can see through them and say, "Everyday aches and pains? Please! If you had Fibromyalgia pain, you'd be curled up in a ball, screaming and sobbing and mainlining Oxycontin." Then just brush them off and walk away, or turn back to your magazine or whatever - the conversation is over. Generously give them some time to think about it, and maybe they will think about the kind of pain you are really in.

Hugs to all of you, Chronically Fabulous