Self-Esteem: "What did I do to deserve this?"

From the time of Job in the Old Testament, it's only natural that at some point for the person who is beset with chronic illness and all the bs baggage that comes with it, cries out:

"What did I do to deserve this?"

It's also a natural law that the questions you choose to ask determine the answer you will get.
If you ask, "What did I do to deserve this?", you invite the demons of self-abuse to give you answers.
You will open yourself up to recriminations over the past (I should have gone to the doctor sooner, I shouldn't have played rugby and sustained injuries, I shouldn't have travelled abroad and gotten malaria, I should have eaten only organic foods.... and so on and so on....)

Unfortunately, today in America there is a huge industry and culture based on telling people who are sick that they did something to deserve illness. There are doctors, frustrated by being unable to cure an illness, who seek theories that blame the patient for getting sick. There is a huge industry of self-help pop psychology that tells the patient that they are to blame (you have a bad attitude, you are negative, you haven't forgiven some a**hole that hurt you in the past, blah blah blah). Then there is an industry of "natural health" proponents who say you are ill because you don't follow their diet, buy their blue-green algae, etc. Even more confusing is the fact that there are so many "natural health" diets and products, and they contradict each other and cancel each other out. You should eat a diet high in animal protein vs. you should eat only vegan raw foods vs. you should eat only vitamin smoothies vs....... etc. etc.

OF COURSE people with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Illness want to and should seek out all techniques (medical, psychological, naturopathic) to improve their health and make their lives more meaningful!

But the dark side to this is that in approaching with an "what did I do wrong?" attitude, we open ourselves up to BLAME for our illness. And the self-blame feeds into the depression, anxiety and stress that clearly makes Chronic Illness WORSE.

The truth is.... none of us is perfect. Even saints have made mistakes and done things they regret. Mother Teresa did not follow the Atkins Diet or use supplements. Hardened criminals can be psychologically messed up, full of "unresolved issues" but still have rock hard, strong, predatory, healthy bodies. If we search in anyone's past, with an attitude of blame, we can find something they did that could be a cause of chronic illness. But not all of those people did get sick. And the people who did get Fibromyalgia did not live any worse lives than those who stay healthy.

"What did you do to deserve this illness?" Nothing, because nobody deserves Chronic Illness.

When you are tempted to fall back into the addictive mindset of "What did I do to deserve this?", try replacing it with:

"What can I do now to make my life the best it can be?"

Now THAT question will lead you to better quality answers, answer that will lead you to self-care, hope, and appreciation of what you have, without shame and blame.

Suddenly, Everyone Wants My Body

So, a while back a psychologist friend quoted to me a study which basically proved that most of the time, when a woman notices a man looking at her, she feels self-conscious, whereas when a man notices a female looking at him, he concludes, "she wants my body."

Yes, ladies, when you look at some guy, thinking, "Should I tell him he has mustard stains on his face?" he probably thinks you are checking him out.

My psychologist friend (again, sorry I don't have any quotes for this information) said that's probably the reason that men often have a higher level of self-confidence than women do.

Certainly, I could see how thinking "everyone is judging me" is bad for self-confidence, whereas thinking "everyone wants my body" could be good for self-confidence.

This concept came back to me recently when I broke my foot, and was on crutches. Suddenly everywhere I went, people were staring at me, and it made me very self-conscious. I started to feel judged and defensive. So I thought back to the psychologist, and decided instead to interpret each stare as, "he/she/they want my body". (To be truly egalitarian, I didn't limit it to just the opposite sex)

Yes indeed, this IS a morale booster! Since all the interaction happens inside your head, it's way more fun to choose "they want my body" over "they are staring because I'm disabled."

Sometimes the results are flattering (hot young guy staring at the cast on my foot - oh yeah, he wants me). Sometimes the results are disturbing (6 year old boy staring at me open-mouthed). Sometimes the results are just hilariously inappropriate (a trio of suburban moms pushing baby carriages all look at me as I struggle with a set of stairs).

I've decided to adopt this new, self-confident worldview whenever I start to feel self-conscious about my visible limitations. And I'd encourage anyone who has a visible disability to try this perspective out for a week and see how it feel.

Those stares at your wheelchair.....oh yeah, they want a sweet ride like that!
The long looks at your cane and braces...... Pure Lust!
Feeling self-conscious at the gym because you're not one of the low-body-fat elite? ..... Tell yourself they all want your body, and get on that treadmill and flaunt it!
And the way that people pointedly turn away or refuse to make eye contact due to your impairments? ..... it's jealousy! They can't face your sexiness!

Try it out, and see if it changes your mood.

Side Effect: Weight Gain

The doctor smiles at me comfortingly.
"It's a very safe drug. The only side effect you might experience is weight gain."

Weight gain?! Now the doctor's smile just looks to me like a mocking idiotic grin.

"Wait, what about other options? Don't you have any drugs that carry a risk of brain aneurysm instead of weight gain? I'd take that! What about birth defects? Cancer? Come on, work with me here." Doc just chuckles at me. No such luck.

Damn FDA! Hey to a woman, weight gain IS a serious side effect. Every few months I get a new drug and along with it, another 15lbs to carry around.

When people say, "You don't look sick" - to me, I do look sick, because all that weight happened from various effects of the illness. And then combine that with being too sick to get out of bed many days - that really does a number on your metabolism. It's the law of nature - go into hibernation, come out with a body shaped like a grizzly bear.

For all of us who have been through this cycle with an invisible illness, we now have a new level of stigma. With fatigue, to the unkind world we look "LAZY." Now due to the drug effects, we look "FAT." Fat and lazy - just about the worst possible things to be in image-conscious, modern, workaholic American society.

Isn't it absurd that at a time when I am in pain, I can't work, my life is passing away before my eyes, that what I am really concerned about is weight gain? It just shows how crazy-making it is to be a female living in 21st century America.

Yeah I'd like to believe that it's just me, being a neurotic mess, but I'm actually less weight-obsessed than most women I know. I keep hearing the complaints about weight gain from women with so much to be proud of.

Many years ago in college, I went out to lunch with a woman who had just returned from a year of volunteer work in war-torn Bosnia, sheltering refugees and providing rape crisis services. She described a life of constant near-death experiences, dodging bullets and threats. With grace and humility, she related how she witnessed and comforted the victims of rape and torture. I was absolutely awestruck by her. BTW she was just drop-dead gorgeous in an old-fashioned way, voluptuous figure, cascading blonde curls, long lashes, etc. I asked her how she was dealing with returning home to "normal" life.

She said, "Well, I'm so ashamed, I have gained 20 lbs and I just feel like a loser for being so fat and not having control over myself."

Geez, shows where priorities are, huh? It doesn't matter if you are a cross between MacGyver and Mother Teresa, if you are overweight you are a loser?!

Meanwhile a male friend relates this story to me: A woman he works with has returned from a mission to Saharan Africa with a horrible wasting disease. She is under medical care. Her eyeballs are all yellow and her skin is wan. But she's thrilled that "now she can wear all those designer clothes she couldn't fit into before, and she (in her own words), thinks she looks great!"

It's crazy. I tell myself it's crazy, and I still worry about it.

Meanwhile I have this fantasy....

I'm back at the doctor's. He looks at me seriously and says, "Well we have this new experimental drug for chronic pain. It's just that it carries some risk of side effects. I have to warn you about this. You will lose 20lbs and all the hair in your legs will fall out."

I sigh dramatically. "Well doc, I'll take this new drug. As for the side effects.... well I guess I'll just be brave and deal with them."