Emotional Kung Fu: The Block

So there is this new "theory" about Fibromyalgia making the rounds that says that the reason people with Fibromyalgia complain about pain so much is that they are just super-sensitive to pain, and so they are at the doctors all the time complaining about pain that non-fibro people just deal with uncomplainingly. Even the New York Times is guilty of publishing an article in their health column promoting this message. While this theory may have originated in a highly scientific study of pain receptors becoming over-activated by over-stimulation, by the time it gets watered-down to the jerk on the street, it goes like this: if you have FMS pain, you're just an oversensitive complainer.

Now, this theory is insane. There is no correlation between over-sensitivity to pain and FMS. I personally have a very high pain tolerance. Before I was diagnosed with FMS, doctors were always exclaiming to me that they were shocked by my high pain tolerance, that I refused pain medicine where others begged for it, that I could tolerate all kinds of procedures without flinching. I still hear that from doctors, rolfers, shiatsu practitioners.

It took me years to be diagnosed with FMS because I didn't complain about pain. I didn't even consider the way my body felt every day to be worth mentioning.

This is also true of many female friends I have with FMS and other pain-related illnesses.

On the other hand, there are people with FMS who are the opposite, who were born with very sensitive bodies and experience pain intensely. Given how painful FMS feels to me, I can only image the hell on earth it is for someone who is hypersensitive. If you are one of these hyper-sensitive people, then my heart goes out to you, and please use the example of "your friend, Miss Chronically Fabulous, who has a high pain tolerance" to refute any suggestion that you are overreacting to FMS pain.

Those of us 'tough girls/guys' with chronic pain conditions may have certain things in common.

First off, some of us were born with less sensitive nervous systems (read Dr. Elaine Aron's "The Highly Sensitive Person" for a great non-medical description of the difference in nervous system response from birth.) That gave us a genetic advantage to dealing with pain (though as Dr. Aron points out, there are other genetic advantages to being sensitive).

Second, a lot of us grew up in families that prized toughness and did not pay any attention to complaints about pain. Friends have described this in various ways: "I grew up on a farm," "My family is hard-drinking Irish", "I was the only girl in a family of boys" -- regardless of the outer conditions, from an early age we were taught to ignore aches and pains and injury. We might have been ridiculed for "whining" or rewarded for gritting out teeth and playing through the pain. I'm not saying this way of child-rearing was a good or bad thing, just that from an early age the response we got from our immediate role models shaped how we internalized pain signals, and we learned to keep our mouths shut. It became an automatic response that we didn't even realize was going on.

Third, some of us spent years in physical training which further taught us to ignore pain. We enlisted in the military, went through basic training and served in difficult conditions. We were ballet dancers (forget the tutu - in terms of pain and injury, ballet is on a par with rugby.) In my case, I spent years studying martial arts, desensitizing my body to pain.

So when we tough types got FMS, we didn't report the pain. We kept our mouths shut for years. We were embarrassed to admit that we were unable to overcome the pain on our own. We still under-report our pain levels because we don't want to be 'wimps.'

So, when WE say FMS hurts, then dammit it IT HURTS!!!!!

Of course, it takes way too long to explain all of this to the person who is standing before you, accusing you of just being too sensitive (while they, of course, are implying that they are not so sensitive). So it's time for the Emotional Kung Fu move of the day: The Block.

Sometimes the quickest response to an attack is a simple direct block. More effective than flailing away and taking hits. Throw a strong block in the way of the attacker, and they may very well retreat, confused. This gives you an opportunity to let them know that you are not going to let them continue to attack you, to set some boundaries, or to walk away.

If the "attacker" says something along the lines of, "You know, the rest of us have aches and pains too, we just keep going," then you can block like this: Raise your eyebrows, roll your eyes, or just smile kindly and knowingly to show how you can see through them and say, "Everyday aches and pains? Please! If you had Fibromyalgia pain, you'd be curled up in a ball, screaming and sobbing and mainlining Oxycontin." Then just brush them off and walk away, or turn back to your magazine or whatever - the conversation is over. Generously give them some time to think about it, and maybe they will think about the kind of pain you are really in.

Hugs to all of you, Chronically Fabulous

Emotional Kung Fu: the quick jab

Random New Age Jerk: "You have an illness because you are harboring negative thoughts, because you have anger or resentment. The mind is more powerful than any medication. Your body and immune system are perfectly capable of fighting off illness if you think positive thoughts. But if you can't overcome an illness it's because you are hanging on to the illness with negative thoughts."

Me: "Please go find some broken-hearted parents who suddenly lost their infant to S.I.D.S. and tell them that their precious baby was filled with negativity, anger and resentment, and that's why their little angel succumbed to S.I.D.S. when other parents get to experience the joys of holding their babies and watching them grow up. It will sure be a comfort to them to realize that it was their little baby's own negativity that resulted in her death."

If you don't have to deal with New Age Jackasses who try this routine, consider yourself lucky. (I've heard other patients complain about having to deal with Christian Jackasses who have a variant of this same attack, "If you really believed in Jesus, this wouldn't happen to you." It just shows that if someone wants to be a jerk, they will find some way to manipulate any set of universal beliefs to support their behavior.)

Here a person who is healthy, rather than counting their blessings and reaching out to the afflicted, instead congratulates themselves, and immediately judges that they are a better, more spiritual person and you are not, because they are healthy and you are not.

(Personally, I find this accusation of negativity REALLY irksome because I make a concerted effort every day to be pleasant and encouraging to the people I encounter, and not let the pain make me irritable towards others. It doesn't make the pain any less for me, but I figure just cuz I feel miserable is no reason anyone else should.)

This type of attack does nothing to help an ill person relieve the stress in their lives that could be making symptoms worse, nor does it help an ill person to practice positive thinking to overcome depression. Rather it creates separation, a New Age more-spiritual-than-thou pride, and snap judgments.

It's amazing what the "people who think positive don't get sick - people who are harboring negative thoughts succumb to disease" criteria tells you about the world.

People in Africa and Latin America are dying of A.I.D.S. at a devastating rate, and of a number of infections and diseases that are rare or unknown in the industrial Western world. So, apparently according to the New Age Jackass, those dark-skinned people are just really negative compared to us whiteys(?!?!) Who else is "negative"? I guess little kids with leukemia are "negative", because the illness got to them. Ted Bundy the serial killer was a healthy, athletic young man (until his untimely execution), so I guess he didn't have any anger, hostility or resentment as he butchered his victims. I'm sure you can add to this list yourself.....

If you have been one of these New Age Jackasses at times yourself, just know that telling someone to "be positive" and blaming them for the illness, does nothing to make them feel more positive. If you want someone to be more cheerful, then tell them a joke that makes them laugh, do something generous to put a smile on their face, or ... maybe.... even listen to their complaints without interrupting (shocker!) because everyone runs out of things to complain about eventually and even the very miserable eventually will get bored with complaining and want to talk about something cheerful.


Meanwhile, here's the Emotional Kung Fu move of the day...

The "quick jab" is a boxing move that is very useful to get someone to back away a little when they are attacking you. Perfect for this type of attack.

"Yeah, I do have anger and resentment built up, but the only anger and resentment I have is that I have to continually deal with jackasses like you!"

The Healing Power of Sarcasm

Random Jerk:
"You create all this drama saying you're sick, but I know you're not sick. I see you around, shopping, going to parties, hanging out with friends, you're having fun, you're laughing, you don't look sick at all. All that stuff about being sick is all in your head. I can see that there is nothing wrong with you."

Me:
"Wow, you can tell if a person has a serious illness just by looking at them???
That is amazing!
To think that hospitals and labs and research scientists spend millions of dollars developing and administering tests on a microscopic level, and meanwhile all you have to do is look at someone from across a room at a coffeehouse and you can tell if they have a systemic disorder or not!

Think how much money this will save the city government!
We need march across to Denver General Hospital right now and tell them to dismantle their laboratory, their nuclear medicine division, send all their diagnosticians with MD's and PHD's home, because all they need to do is to station YOU at the door and just by looking at someone you can diagnose that patient.
You need to IMMEDIATELY inform the government of your awesome super-power!
Just march right up to the ER door and tell them that you have an incredible super-power that is better than X-ray vision, and that all the people who have spent decades in graduate research can go home right now because you are better than them.
Go now! It's your civic duty! I'm sure they will all be delighted by this new discovery and you will be treated like a hero.

No - wait! Why waste your incredible gift on just a local government? You need to share this with all humanity.
Right now, the Centers for Disease Control has an entire division dedicated to communicable diseases -- TB for example -- that they believe can be transmitted from person without anyone being aware of the danger. Those fools! All you need to do is look at a person and you'll know if they are "sick" or not.
And what about AIDS?
All this money being spent to instruct people that they have to always practice safe sex and use a condom, because one can't tell by looking if a fit, healthy-looking partner could be harboring a deadly syndrome.
Well forget safe sex! There's no need for that anymore, you can just look at a person, and you'll know if they have AIDS or not!
This gift of yours is going to change the world. What are you hanging around here for? You need to immediately start calling the World Health Organization, call the New York Times, call the Journal of the American Medical Association! They need to know about your ability to diagnose dangerous disorders just by looking at someone! Go tell them now! Go!"

Warning: This is the roundhouse kick to the head of Emotional Kung Fu. If the person just said, "Gee, you don't look sick", out of ignorance, it's overkill to return fire with a response like this. A person who says "Gee you don't look sick" might really be well-meaning.

However, if you get the "you're just faking it" or "it's all in your head" speech from a real jerk (and only a real jerk would say "you're faking it," so it's a dead giveaway), then I recommend kicking them upside the head with this deadly sarcasm move.

It will knock them out, emotionally speaking, and they will be speechless except for some weak grumbling.

But YOU will feel a lot better. And that's all I care about.